our rainbow
Trigger warning: live birth after stillbirth
Hi friends, it’s been a while. I really hope I can get in a better rhythm so I can write/post more. I truly have so many topics I want to cover and share. I know God has called me to do this, and ultimately, He’ll help me find my balance.
This post in particular is long overdue. However, I do recognize it is a very sensitive topic to many who read my blog. But one that I think is important in understanding there’s hope on the other side of loss, confusing diagnoses, and heartbreak.
After losing our Mylah at almost 28 weeks of pregnancy… spending a year to grieve, research, see a million specialists, and try to heal and prepare my body for another pregnancy… finding out I was pregnant right before Mylah’s first birthday in Heaven… going through an emotional, triggering pregnancy that involved many, many apts with my OB and high risk office as well as constant prayer, shots and medicine… we finally had our rainbow baby boy.
After less than 12 hours from the beginning of contractions to the 20 min of pushing to get him here, little Camden Wayne was born on our 11th wedding anniversary at 3:53am, the morning of our induction day. He weighed a tiny 5lb 15oz of pure perfection and was just a dream to hold.
I had such a quick labor that began on its own with minimal intervention; my doctor used a Cook catheter, no induction meds, only an epidural that I barely was able to get at 8cm (I opted for one so I wouldn’t be triggered by the pain I had with Mylah from having her naturally).
Everything honestly happened so beautifully.
The day of our induction (we were scheduled for midnight), we tried to have the most relaxing day. My sister was helping us with Callie while my mom helped us with things around the house. We picked flowers from our garden to take to Mylah, her Papaw and great aunt Ann - it felt important for us to make a visit that day. Prior to leaving for the cemetery, we noticed the forget-me-nots I had planted for Mylah had a single blue bloom… a sign from God. Just like my blog says, faith is found among the flowers (at least for our family).
The forget-me-nots with a single blue bloom - taken July 27, 2023
All of the nurses, doctors, all the staff we had at the hospital were the kindest, most caring people. Nurse Jeanna was amazing and so sensitive to our situation; she made sure that the anesthesia team would let me keep my Mylah bracelet on during delivery. Nurse Sandy was so thoughtful and kept us in good spirits. Dr. “Morgan” was very kind and understanding. Nurse Taylor was such an incredible birth support to get Camden here. Scott, my CRNA, was great at making sure my epidural worked. Nurse Wanda took such good care of me after Camden arrived. Nurses Crystal and Maci were so loving and caring of Camden. Ruth and Sharon made us feel so welcomed and comforted being at the hospital. Janice was pivotal in teaching us how to do supplemental feeding with my own breast milk when Camdens birth weight dropped so fast- she’s an incredible lactation consultant!
And my OB doctor. I can never sing enough praises for her and all she has done and continues to do for our family. All the times she stayed a listened to me during my healing process and all the questions/concerns I’ve had with this pregnancy and being the very best support and encourager through everything. I will never forget the image of her handing Camden to me once he was finally out of my body - it’s one of those memories that make me tear up every time I think about it. It felt so symbolic after everything we’ve gone through together; the perfect image of closure found in a tiny curled up ball of our Camden being handed by the doctor who helped make his arrival possible. All of us, especially me and our three babies, have all been all so blessed by Dr. Cronin. I’m so glad God led us to her.
Also wanted to make a shout out to the rest of my incredible medical team that helped get us here - my PCP, therapist, and nutritionist; my hematologist, cardiologist, and integrative medicine doctor; all the providers at Vanderbilt (for me: maternal fetal medicine, genetics, endocrinology; for Callie: neurology, genetics, physical medicine); all the people at the high risk clinic and both OBGYN offices we went to, and the amazing individuals at our local hospital- they were so kind and helpful each time I had anxiety about Camden and wanted to be checked out. And all of Callie’s therapists, who we see multiple times every week, have been so understanding through everything, especially when we’ve had to change schedules last minute or have extra hands for help.
We have truly had the greatest privilege of being cared for by an incredible group of healthcare professionals, and we are sooo very grateful for them. For my local readers, if anyone needs specific recommendations regarding specialists to help get you through a high-risk pregnancy, please message me, and I will connect you (a lot of our providers do telehealth appointments too for those who aren’t local but live in Tennessee). I also have good recommendations of support groups for those impacted by CHI and those with kiddos who have CP - please don’t hesitate to reach out about these too.
Thank you also to everyone who has said a prayer for us, comforted us, listened to us and helped in some way, big or small. You are a part of our journey too and we really couldn’t have made it through without you. We have the greatest support group of family, friends, and community - God has richly blessed us.
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Camden is almost 10 weeks now, and I’m still pinching myself that he’s here in my arms. When I look into his eyes, I see hope and love. I am filled with awe and gratitude each time I nurse him, snuggle him, rock him, and kiss his nose (I’ve kissed all of my babies’ noses so that one is extra special to me). Each time he smiles and coos, my heart just melts. And the bond he and Callie have is the most heartwarming thing I’ve ever been fortunate enough to witness. To hold both of them in my arms, is the greatest gift I have ever received. If only my Mylah could be snuggled at the same time… that would be perfection.
In my final thoughts, I do want to say that although having Camden has provided so much closure to me and our little family, finally having him in our arms doesn’t bring back Mylah or erase the trauma that we experienced with her. I have held up okay emotionally in thinking of her since bringing Camden home. But there are some moments in a day where I’m hit with great sadness. My heart will never stop longing for her, and I will always miss her. Sometimes it’s still triggering to see families bring home baby girls and watch Callie play with friends or family who are little girls- it just brings me back to what could have been in Callie having a sister.
I just remind myself of what a blessing it is to have Camden, and how sweet his and Callie’s relationship is already. And I have happy tears thinking about the day I get to Heaven. I picture it all the time - Jesus welcoming me, Mylah in His arms, handing her to me to hold once more and seeing her eyes and smile for the very first time. 🤍🌈
Praise be to God for the blessings of our three babies.
”Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” - Hebrews 10:23
xo Paige