pregnancy after loss
I recently put a post on Instagram via @faithamongtheflowers letting everyone know I’m pregnant. I was hesitant to post it because I know many of you following me have gone through recent loss, and I know how hard it can be to see those announcements.
At the same time, I kept thinking that sharing some pieces of this experience might be helpful to those who may be journeying alongside us or starting to prepare for pregnancy after loss. Everyone’s experience is so different, but I know there are a lot of shared emotions and triggers.
I’m wanting to write about this now because I’m about to go through what I feel like may be one of the hardest points in this pregnancy… the week that I lost Mylah. Anxiety is creeping in, and I’m getting more paranoid about our baby’s movements. I catch myself getting emotional thinking about Mylah, and the reality of just how close we were to bringing her home safely. And being afraid that we may experience all of that again.
Our situation is even more clouded by all the unknowns. I know many families who go through loss have no answer at all to why they lost their baby. Some have a pretty concrete idea. We’re somewhere in between. The most likely cause surrounds a diagnosis of a placental condition called CHI that could have been brought on by sickness or could just be the way my body reacts to pregnancy (and is potentially the reason why Callie had a stroke). There are varying degrees of it, and no real rhyme or reason as to when it may show up again or why it really happens. And all the medical protocols are experimental. So we can only take what we know and prepare accordingly with this pregnancy to keep our baby as safe as possible.
That in itself is a little scary. I don’t like taking more medication than necessary under any circumstance, especially in pregnancy. So being on an experimental medical protocol for CHI when I’m not even entirely sure if it will come back is hard. The side effects are another thing in itself, especially the painful shots. And then I worry in the other direction… am I on a strong enough protocol to keep CHI from hurting my baby this time- if CHI is what hurt Mylah (and possibly Callie too)? All of it is unknown. Until we have this baby, we won’t really know, and even then, we may still not have clear answers.
But that’s a big reason I wanted to post. I started off in this pregnancy both so happy but also very very scared. We found out we were pregnant right before Mylah’s first birthday in Heaven. To me, it was a sign from God that things were going to be okay this time. And it brought a lot of comfort having a baby in my belly as we remembered our sweet baby girl.
But then the fear… the what ifs, the unknowns, the triggering “first moments” of baby that was so familiar and recent with Mylah, the appointments, the first sound of baby’s heartbeat, reaching each milestone, getting through each week… they flooded me like an overwhelming ocean of waves I couldn’t quite catch my breath in.
So I prayed a lot. And I was encouraged by a lot of strong, faithful people in my life (who I know were also praying for us). I relied heavily on Brian to lift me up when I felt like sinking down. I stayed in therapy to work on my trauma. And I started letting go of the fears so I could just “be.” I made choices about the medications with all of my doctors input and expertise, and I’ve let it go. It hasn’t meant that all the triggers have gone away and that the fears don’t still try to creep up (especially now because of the timing). But it’s like I’ve been able to breathe without feeling that familiar anxiety that has riddled my life for the last few years.
I’m firmly believing that God has me and this baby in His hands- whether we get to meet this little one or if he will be joining Mylah in Heaven. It’s like I’ve come to terms with it all, even if the outcome isn’t what I want.
Keep in mind, this hasn’t been an easy thing to wrap my mind and heart around, I’ve never been good at letting go (even loving Jesus with all my heart). But I’ve reached a point in my life where I can’t take the anxiety anymore, so I’m actively choosing to trust God. And I’ve come to find that by doing this, it is SO unbelievably freeing; I’m able to have joy in the moments I should have joy, soaking in the present because that’s all we can be certain of anyway.
My message to Mamas who are also on this journey… you are not alone. I’m right here with you alongside many other strong women who have also walked this path. You are brave, you are an incredible mother, you are enough. Nothing you do can change the course of what happens to this little baby’s life - God has you and your little one in His hands (Job 12:10), and He knows the plans for you both (Jeremiah 29:11). He has trusted you to care for this baby in your womb (Psalm 139:13-14), and He will guard your heart no matter what happens (Philippians 4:6-7).
Trust Him, give all your worries and fears to Him (1 Peter 5:7), and enjoy every moment with your baby. Don’t let fear and anxiety rob you of that. I know it’s all easier said than done, and you’ve got to walk that path yourself until you know in your heart it’s right. But from one Mama to another who is trying to do just that, it is so very freeing and makes going through all of the hard triggers a little more manageable (even if it’s still hard).
This verse is everything: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33
And for those of you who have gone through loss and are uncertain of the future... take all the time you need to heal and process things. Society can really put pressure on us - we can put pressure on ourselves. The process of trying in itself is a difficult journey with many unknowns. Take care of you, strengthen your body and mind (Isaiah 40:31).
Everyone is different; for us we waited almost a year before trying again. It was important for us to emotionally process things, seek out medical answers, become healthier (mentally with a therapist and physically with a nutritionist), and go through all the hard “firsts” and milestones. Not everyone will feel the need to do all that; some will feel the need to do more and take more time. Others may decide to not try again. Or some may be caught off guard by a surprise pregnancy or have trouble getting pregnant when that’s all they’ve wanted.
We all have different reasons and circumstances surrounding all of this, with ups and downs with all of it. There is no right or wrong answer. But I say all that just to say I see you, and I am here to pray for you and support you however you need. Especially with Mother’s Day around the corner. I know for us Mamas who have gone through hard loss, it’s not always a holiday we look forward to; I remember last year being difficult for me not having both my babies in my arms. And this year I’m not sure how I’m going to feel. I think that’s okay.
Pray for us as we inch along into these next few weeks. And let me know if/how I can pray for you too.
Sending lots of light + love your way. 🤍
Paige